Uber this week announced that its key business practices were developed in the former East Germany.
The details were outlined in a 37-page letter filed by the company’s ex-security manager Richard Jacobs, who stated that the theft of competitive trade secrets, bribery of foreign officials and spying on competitors and politicians were all part of a normal working day at the ride hailing app.
Uber’s Head of Trenchcoats and Trilbys Mr. Ian Telligence said, “It is true that the vast majority of our business practices were developed in the former East Germany. Our business plan was even drawn up by a former member of the Stasi which is why anybody that decides to download our app should always be constantly looking over their shoulder in case they’re being followed. The rule of thumb is basically that if it has ever appeared in a spy movie – it’s highly likely to be part of our business strategy which is why all our drivers are expected to know how to kill a person in 27 ways without leaving a single mark.”
The allegations relate to activities that were conducted within Uber’s “strategic services group” and “marketplace analytics” teams, both of which are alleged to be codenames for specialist units that are dedicated to the promotion of Communist ideology and the downfall of western capitalism.
Among the tactics Uber is alleged to have used in its messy legal squabble with Google’s driverless car spin-off Waymo are dead letter boxes, poison tipped umbrellas, voice alteration methods, mail interception, eavesdropping, hollow coins and at least one failed attempt at a honey trap operation.
“We generally try to use most of the spy tactics that you see in the movies when conducting our daily business. The only thing we haven’t quite mastered yet is the honey trap because, let’s be honest, Uber drivers aren’t generally known for their powers of seduction and there aren’t that many Waymo executives with a penchant for fat, middle-aged bald blokes that drive around in taxis all day,” Mr. Telligence added.