Privacy conscious users of Uber have raised concerns over the latest update that allows the app to take control of your mind and makes you hail cabs for journeys that should normally take 5 minutes on foot.
Previously, Uber would only follow a user’s GPS signal when the app was open on a mobile phone but the tech company said the change would improve the service by allowing for more pick ups in the most cost-effective locations.
Uber’s Head of Customer Brainwashing Mr. Ian Doctrinate said, “We will only be controlling user’s minds when they are awake. Customers can go to bed at night secure in the knowledge that their dreams will not be analysed and stored on a database to be used for nefarious purposes at a later date.”
Uber’s mind control capabilities are designed to prevent fraud so that instead of a dodgy driver marking a journey down as completed half an hour after he has dropped you off, the app will simply make you think you need to hail another cab just as you are getting out of the current one and you’ll then be taken to the off licence down the road for a packet of Marlboro lights and a four pack of Red Stripe – even though you don’t even smoke.
When the app is updated on phones, a pop up containing the Uber logo asks users if they concede to having their consciousness owned by the great entity, at which point it is too late and they slip into a waking trance. Those that do manage to resist have been reported to develop chronic illnesses and seizures soon afterwards.
The app’s users have expressed outrage at what they see as a gross intrusion into their privacy. One Uber customer said, “So you’re telling me a cab will turn up when I haven’t expressly ordered one but I’ll still feel an overpowering compulsion to get in regardless of where I end up – that’s worse than the fucking night bus!” Another said, “It’s the fact that Uber will now know that when I say good morning to my boss at work, I actually mean, ‘get your tits out.’ That bothers me.”
Uber has said that the company is always looking for ways that the rider experience can be improved. “Imagine having a cab there waiting for you even though you didn’t realise you actually needed one, there’s no better ETA estimate than that is there?” Mr. Doctrinate added.