The price of Tulip bulbs is set to skyrocket exponentially after JP Morgan boss Jamie Dimon said they were more valuable than Bitcoin in an angry rant about the cryptocurrency.
It’s not clear at this stage whether Mr. Dimon had been drinking or was under the influence of any controlled substances, but it is thought that he may have inadvertently triggered another ‘Tulip mania’ economic bubble like that witnessed in 17th Century Holland, where the price of a tulip exceeded the cost of a three-bedroom, pebble-dashed, semi-detached house with conservatory and adjoining garage.
JP Morgan’s Head of Horticulture Mr. Hugh Midity said, “You can never underestimate the madness of crowds. All Mr. Dimon said was that the current market bubble for Bitcoin is worse than the tulip mania of the 1600s and now everybody is trying to by Tulips with their Bitcoins. In the 24 hours since he made those remarks, it’s now possible to pay for your childcare and medical bills in f*cking Chrysanthemums.”
US spy satellites have reportedly taken footage of North Korea dismantling its nuclear weapons sites and replacing them with fields covered in horse manure that are rumoured to be intended for the sole purpose of growing Tulips.
Since Mr. Dimon made what some experts call the ‘irresponsible comments made in the heat of the moment’ when someone dared to ask him how the dollar was performing against Bitcoin, criminal gangs have apparently started accepting Begonias and Hyacinths as payment for narcotics and firearms because it is so difficult for the authorities to detect whose greenhouse they were originally grown in, or which garden centre the seeds were purchased from.
“The use of flowers as a crypto-currency isn’t going to work. You can’t have a business where people have to wait until the autumn before they can spend any of their money because the ground frost earlier in the year was so bad. Mr. Dimon’s comments were made in the heat of the moment, but the real reason why everyone’s buying up Tulips with their Bitcoin probably has more to do with the fact that, unlike Bitcoin, you actually get a f*cking Tulip when you buy one from that flower stall in London Bridge tube station,” Mr. Midity added.