Donald Trump this week announced that he has integrated the US’s global thermonuclear weapons arsenal with his Twitter account meaning he could potentially start World War Three whilst sitting on the toilet taking a dump.
The US president used Kim Jong Un’s New Year’s Day speech as the basis for his latest provocative move against the North Korean leader, who he claims would need to insert an old cassette tape of codes into a ZX Spectrum computer before being able to launch his nuclear weapons.
The United States Government’s Head of Social Media Mrs. Lynne K. Shortener said, “I can confirm that our military scientists have been working on a way of integrating our nuclear weapons system with President Trump’s Twitter account. The major breakthrough occurred when Twitter announced that its users may not make specific threats of violence or wish for the serious physical harm, death, or disease of an individual or group of people – but mindless cock-waving and talk of starting a global thermonuclear holocaust is allowed because it’s the President’s cock that is being waved about.”
In a speech broadcast live on state TV, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said: “The US should know that the button for nuclear weapons is on my desk. This is not blackmail but reality,” with the use of the word ‘reality’ rather than ‘blackmail’ causing Mr. Trump to suspect that yet another former basketball star may be in cahoots with the Koreans besides Dennis Rodman.
Presidential aides say that Mr. Trump initially requested a larger nuclear button than the one currently in the possession of the North Korean leader, but upon being told that this has nothing to do with the destructive power of the missiles, Mr. Trump elected to have the capacity to launch an inter-continental ballistic strike whilst playing with his rubber duck at bath time instead.
“People do all sorts on social media these days so it stands to reason that the President of the United States would want to start World War Three using his Twitter account. Anyone that doesn’t like that fact can stick it up their nuclear arsenal as far as Mr. Trump is concerned,” Mrs. Shortener added.