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Tesco: “cost-cutting has absolutely nothing to do with money.”

 

Tesco insist forcing 1700 deputy managers to take a pay cut if they want to keep their jobs has absolutely nothing to do with money.

 

Britain’s largest retailer said it was axing deputy manager positions at Tesco Express convenience stores and replacing them with 3,300 shift leader jobs in a move designed to bolster customer service – the amount of cash that ultimately gets saved being nothing more than a surprising yet fortunate coincidence the company insists.

Tesco’s Head of Inconvenience Mrs. Dee Motion said, “I can personally guarantee that this latest strategic move has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with cutting costs. True, the people that used to be Deputy Managers, had their own offices and used to put a decent Shiraz in their Beef Bourguignon previously will now have to shop at Aldi and Lidl – but ironically we will shore up our market position against the likes of Aldi and Lidl by creating 1700 new customers in their historical target demographic.”

Tesco provided its Deputy Managers with three options during consultation: (1) transfer to a larger store, (2) take redundancy, or (3) face the prospect of handing over a Vanquis credit card with a 250,000% APR interest rate when paying for goods and services – a situation the food seller insists also has absolutely bugger all to do with money.

Tesco stated that those who chose to take one of the shift leader positions would be financially supported, albeit not as well as they were previously as Deputy Managers – a scenario that is completely unrelated to the company balance sheet and has no financial significance whatsoever according to the official line.

“We appreciate that these changes will impact our deputy manager colleagues and we will do everything we can to support them throughout this period by advising them to take the night bus home instead of a cab, a holiday in Scarborough rather than Thailand and get a pay as you go mobile phone. We must stress however that none of these essential changes have anything to do with how much wonga we are going to save by getting people that would normally name their kids Josh or Annabel, to consider calling them Wayne or Sharon,” Mrs. Motion Added.

 

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