Tesco has unveiled a radical plan to develop its own version of the run down, socially deprived council estate to try and generate extra funds.
The largest supermarket brand in the UK will build hundreds of high rise flats on top of the roofs of many of its stores and sprawling car parks in a bid to inspire a turnaround of its recent fortunes.
Tesco’s Head of Urban Decay Mr. G.D. Pea said, “Our plan is to ensure a high rate of unemployment in our Tesco towns. This will generate the necessary level of community breakdown and family dysfunctionality required for the next stage which will involve the introduction of crack cocaine and Heroin to the area. From there we will introduce gang violence, prostitution and enough betting shops for every adult to develop a gambling problem within a year or so.”
Tesco has identified 15 potential sites mainly in London that would provide the locations for such an outrageous attempt at social mis-management.
“You only have to look at the way people live these days to recognise that the government could do a lot more to help create a society that resembles Marty Mcfly’s dystopian alternate reality in Back to the Future 2. It’s time for the private sector to do its bit in ensuring people spend their summer throwing Molotov cocktails at police and looting shops,” Mr Pea added.
Among the incentives Tesco will offer to new inhabitants of its rooftop hell holes will be mangy dogs to roam the passageways, broken washing machines on front gardens, cars on bricks and for the lucky few, used syringes will occasionally get tossed over next door’s fence to be discovered by young children playing hide and seek.
Critics have argued that whilst there is indeed a housing shortage, building sink hole estates on the roofs of supermarkets that nobody would want to live in is hardly solving the problem.
“People aren’t thinking ahead,” Mr Pea said. “After a couple of riots and stabbings, the hipsters will move in and start running their content marketing agencies from our rooftops. This will cause the prices to increase and all the scummy people won’t be able to afford to live here anymore. All we need is a healthy bout of gentrification and our Tesco Towns will be like fucking Brixton – village that is!”
Tesco stands to generate over £1bn by allowing its rooftops to be developed and the first violent pubs that will eventually get closed and turned into Jamie Oliver Gastro restaurants have already been planned.