Tesco this week confirmed the accusations it is waging a covert war on Christmas are as real as Santa Claus.
The supermarket retailer’s Christmas TV advert features a Muslim family celebrating the festive period and concedes that this is proof of a sinister plot to eradicate Yuletide from the calendar alongside making it the main suspect in the unsolved framing of Roger Rabbit.
Tesco’s Head of Clandestine Islamist Active Service Units Mr. Al Qaeda said, “It’s quite clear to anyone that owns a tin foil hat and smokes too much weed that we are indeed furthering the agenda of radical Islam by featuring a Muslim family in our latest Christmas TV advert. The fact that our usual customer base is drawn from a wide cross-section of the community and comprises a multitude of faiths and ethnicities means that we surely must be seeking to destroy Christianity by suggesting that they might want to buy some of their Christmas dinner from one of our stores.”
The supermarket group has been accused of waging a clandestine operation to surreptitiously erase Christmas from its shelves by not placing the word ‘Christmas’ all over certain products, the majority of which already contain images of Father Christmas, Mistletoe, holly branches, snowflakes, snowmen, Christmas presents, sleigh bells and Christmas trees.
The retailer has also been asked to confirm whether the reindeer featured on its Christmas cards are halal reindeer due to the fact that their happy faces suggest they may be un-stunned and therefore conform to the required standards of preparation for halal meat.
“If you believe in Santa Claus, you’ll have known for a while now that our real plan is to wipe Christianity from the face of the earth by selling out of date mince pies at Christmas. First we put a Muslim family in one of our adverts, next we’ll be running our Merthyr Tydfil store under Sharia law. We’ve only been able to operate undercover for so long because of people that think it’s okay if we acknowledge who some of our customers actually are,” Mr. Qaeda added.