Tesco’s chairman narrowly avoided capture at the hands of ivory poachers yesterday who fired a tranquiliser dart into his bottom in the foyer at Tesco’s head office.
It is the third incident in the past year where the supermarket chain’s boss has had to endure an attempt to extract his gold-capped fillings which are reportedly worth a fortune on the black market.
Tesco’s Head of Wildlife Conservation Mrs. Savannah Grass said, “It’s important people realise that white men are now an endangered species in the boardroom so it’s natural that our chairman will be a target for poachers. His left shoe alone is worth a fortune on the Asian black market where it is used as an ingredient in traditional herbal medicines.”
As of December 2016, there are rumoured to be less than one hundred white males still in charge of FTSE 100 companies, sparking fears of imminent extinction unless drastic measures are taken according to the World Wildlife Organisation.
White male FTSE 100 chairmen that are caught in the wild will readily breed in captivity given the appropriate amounts of space and food, as well as the presence of females half their age, however, for reasons that are not currently understood, their rate of reproduction is extremely low once their offspring have been sent off to university – usually Oxbridge or a decent red brick institution.
White male CEO’s tend to produce sounds which include the phrase, ‘What is our year-on-year sales growth?’ Grunts and snorts during courtship, squeals of ‘YOU’RE FIRED!’ if distressed, and deep bellows or growls of ‘I WANT THAT REPORT DONE YESTERDAY!” when the company share price starts to fall.
“Our Chairman caught his leg in a snare the other day whilst getting out of a taxi after an important meeting with suppliers and there have been numerous other instances where poachers have tried to catch him. We are therefore considering moving him to a conservation in Kenya where he can be placed with other white male CEO’s in a favourable climate and with the appropriate diet,” Mrs. Grass added.