Tesco has announced it will start selling brown bananas and roadkill as part of its plans to cut food waste.
The supermarket chain says the brown bananas are “perfectly ripe” and will be just as sweet as yellow-coloured ones, the only difference will be that customers should avoid eating the mouldy bits as it has been known to cause severe stomach cramps and induce hallucinations in people that have tried it in the past.
Tesco’s Head of Barely Edible Food Produce Mr. D. Compose said, “In the past we’ve wasted large amounts of money – er, sorry – I mean food, throwing away produce that wouldn’t normally be classed as food by trading standards or environmental health, but can still be partially digested by the human body. We have therefore decided to launch the barely edible range of products for people that don’t mind spending the rest of the afternoon sat on the toilet after doing their weekly shopping.”
Alongside providing mouldy Bananas for its customers, the supermarket giant also regularly dispatches acquisition teams to scour the sides of dual carriageways looking for potential meat produce that has recently met an untimely end after an unfortunate rapprochement with a 12-tonne articulated lorry.
Tesco’s barely edible range will be rolled out over the coming months to include potatoes with blight, out of date chicken, run over hedgehogs and frost-damaged strawberries – all of which are completely edible as long as they have featured in a television show that is hosted by Bear Grylls.
“Our aim is that no food that won’t induce toxic shock as soon as it comes into contact with the human digestive system will go to waste by the end of the year. The key challenge is in educating consumers that severe diarrhoea and vomiting for the next twelve hours is a price well worth paying when placed against the amount of savings we’ll make,” Mr. Compose added.