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Tech firms: not the first people you’d choose to have on your side in a drunken street brawl…..

The UK government has admitted that people who work as software engineers for tech firms are the least well-equipped people to fight terrorism.


UK Security Minister Ben Wallace said that the government has been forced to step in to deal with radical extremists because the boffins that work at companies such as Facebook, Google and YouTube are not the sort of people that would win in a fight against a crazed jihadi that is armed with a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

The government’s Head of Toughening Up the Tech Industry Mr. Terry Wrist-Threat said, “the tech industry really needs to take a long hard look at itself and ask what it can do to recruit the sort of people that would be better equipped to fight terrorism. Take Facebook for example – their CEO Mark Zuckerberg has a face as smooth as a baby’s bottom and is hardly going to scare the shit out of all those crackpots in ISIS is he? They really need to start thinking about safety rather than employing the most talented software engineers.”

Google and Facebook have both already stepped up their efforts to recruit people to their ranks that might at least make a radicalised nutcase think twice before attempting to declare war on the west, but both Larry Page and Sergei Brin have declared that neither of them ever got into a drunken brawl whilst studying computer science at Stanford University and therefore don’t possess the required fighting experience to manage staff that know how to look after themselves.

A YouTube spokesperson has told the BBC that it is committed to being “part of the solution” and is doing all it can to employ people that don’t wear spectacles and sit on bean bags all day sipping full-roast artisan coffee – but the video sharing site also insists that recruiting people who know how to throw a left hook rather than write code may have a long term detrimental effect on video upload times.

“The only person at a tech firm who looks like he might be able to handle himself in a ruck is Jeff Bezos at Amazon. That shiny bald head and killer stare could scare the shit out of anyone if you met him down a dark alley no matter how radicalised they are,” Mr. Wrist-Threat added.


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