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Plastic pollution - The W1nners' Club

“Never mind a UN resolution, just f*cking stop it!” (Sea Turtle)


Marine animals have issued a statement to the United Nations that unequivocally states humans should, ‘stop polluting the oceans with plastic you f*cking idiots!’


The statement was made in light of a UN resolution that has no timetable and is not legally binding, so marine animals have taken it upon themselves to tell it like it is because humans don’t seem to have the capacity to work out exactly what is required when it comes to preventing the destruction of the planet’s marine eco-system.

Professional Marine Biologist Mrs. Carol Reef said, “as you well know my job is to closely monitor the oceans and I can tell you for sure that the marine life ain’t happy at the moment. Every time a sperm whale passes our boat it sounds like they could be swearing because our sonar monitors go off the scale. Limpets are refusing to attach themselves to the bottom of our hull and even the f*cking Dolphins would rather hang out with sharks these days than follow a fishing trawler.”

The statement, which was issued by The League of Ocean Life, a loose affiliation of the various species that rely on the sea for their natural habitat, argues that the first fish left the sea about 400 million years ago and over that period managed to evolve into the humans of today with their motor cars, internet, sliced bread and dare we say it – fishing rods.

It then goes on to say that despite these monumental advances in technology, not one of us has yet found a way to safely dispose of the plastic can holders you get with cans of cheap lager without causing destruction to the lives of ocean creatures, so before we applaud ourselves for being so much smarter than every other living creature on earth, we really ought to find a way to get pissed that doesn’t involve the plastic ending up wrapped around the shell of a baby turtle.

“What marine creatures are saying is that if we’re going to claim to be the dominant species on earth then we really ought to start acting like it, otherwise we should give someone else a go. The Seahorses already claim to have worked out a way to gather an entire week’s supply of plankton without the need for a single use plastic carrier bag,” Mrs. Reef added.


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