Sports Direct staff face disciplinary action for not turning up to work drunk as a result of the company’s pledge to modernise its employee management procedures.
Bonuses will also be awarded to staff members that achieve certain key performance targets as a result of drunkenness in the workplace and CEO Mike Ashley has personally pledged to lead by example in this particular area.
Sports Direct’s Head of Workplace Binge Drinking Mrs. Ginny Tonic said, “The company is really looking to clamp down on people that turn up to work sober. Our CEO Mike Ashley has shown on countless occasions that it’s impossible to run a successful company unless you down 12 pints of lager which are each accompanied by a vodka chaser. Here at Sports Direct we believe that booze flows from the top so our employees will need to decide whether they prefer the bar queue or the dole queue.”
The company’s new bonus structure will see staff get remunerated on top of their basic salaries for vomiting throughout their shift, whilst additional perks can also be earned for falling asleep on the job, slurring your words, making a mistake as a result of being inebriated and stripping your clothes off and singing football songs.
The company’s traditional recruitment process will also be updated to include methods that the company feels will better ingratiate staff to the culture at Sports Direct. As a result, new starters will be expected to demonstrate a proven history of liver damage, footage of themselves appearing on either Booze Britain or Ibiza Uncovered and applicants will also be expected to sit an entrance exam that will involve downing pints of lager whilst eating fish and chips and/or doner kebabs.
“We’ve found that people that are sober at work simply don’t perform to the same standard as they do when they’re drunk. Ideally we’d like to see mass brawls breaking out in our warehouse because people keep looking at each other the wrong way, but that would only be feasible if we could automate the drinking process,” Mrs. Tonic added.