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Sports Direct – Mike Ashley tries to convince staff he isn’t wearing a wire


Sports Direct have been asked to explain why they secretly filmed staff watching a hilarious video of members of parliament being secretly filmed during their lunch break.


A group of parliamentarians from the House of Commons Business Committee were covertly recorded having a meeting at the sports retailer’s Shirebrook facility in Derbyshire after they turned up unannounced and the subsequent You Tube clip has been doing the rounds in the company canteen amid much mirth and merriment.

Sports Direct’s head of covert surveillance Mr. K.G. Bee said, “I can confirm unequivocally that staff have not been filmed pissing about in their lunch hour doing impressions of the right honourable Ian Wright who sounds a bit like someone from Auf Wiedersehn Pet that moved to London and got a job in media according to Bryan that works in the post room. We suggest that the 1280 x 720 pixel high definition, H264 compression, 64GB micro SD card compatible, angle of View – 70 degrees (approx.) spy camera that was hidden in the corned beef and pickle sandwiches served to MPs may have been put there by members of the Department for Work and Pensions.”

Staff at the Shirebrook facility, which has been slated for poor working conditions said a woman brought them a tray of sandwiches at lunchtime, put it on a stool and tried to hide a camera underneath (the sandwiches, not the stool – working at Sports Direct is apparently not as bad as everyone makes out), but because everyone is on a zero hours contract, nobody knows who the fuck anyone is so the stool in question could quite possibly have been provided by one of the members of parliament in revenge.

“Just imagine it. Some MPs that you only ever see on Newsnight turn up at your workplace so you watch a video on your phone about it the next day. Next thing you know the video of you watching the MPs and trying to do a Hartlepool accent is on Newsnight for all the world to see. It’s a disgrace,” said someone wearing a fluorescent safety jacket.

Sports Direct has admitted its shortcomings when it comes to staff management, but apparently corned beef and pickle sandwiches are a favourite of owner Mike Ashley so staff will have to make any complaints about canteen food, ‘in camera’ – as it were!

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