Sports Direct announced they will boost their plunging profits and share price by spending $51.1 million on a new private Jet.
It is unclear what the rationale behind such a plan is, but city experts have been scratching their heads in confusion as the troubled retailer responds to a 57% dive in profits by purchasing the new corporate aircraft.
Sports Direct’s Head of Executive Transport Mr. Otto Pilot said, “We already have a helicopter to ferry Mike Ashley and his pet tortoise, ‘Margin,’ to work everyday, so what better way to celebrate our miserable half year figures than by purchasing a multi-million pound Gulf Stream gas guzzler?”
Despite suffering a torrid year that saw the beleaguered retailer accused of running its operations like a, “Victorian workhouse,” the latest revelations demonstrate a commitment by the company to move out of the 19th century and into the present day when it comes to ferrying management between continents.
“How many Victorian workhouses do you know of that had a private jet and a helicopter on the driveway eh? You never saw one of these on Oliver Twist did you? This purchase will give us the capacity to make questionable corporate decisions with even greater efficiency meaning next year we could end up spending the amount we lost this year on runway charges alone.” Mr. Pilot added.
Staff at the company that are currently paid less than the minimum wage have expressed delight at finally seeing a tangible reason for their suffering and one employee said, “At last. We were always under the impression that being dragged out of the toilets half way through taking a crap was because the company weren’t very nice, we had no idea it was all to pay for a new Private Jet – everything is starting to make sense all of a sudden.”
Despite revenues increasing by about 14% to £1.64 billion, Sports Direct executives remain confused as to why the company has performed so badly recently and a steep fall in the value of the pound has been put forward as one of the key reasons.
“When your profits are down by a good £40 million or $51.1 million to be precise, it’s important to find out why. This new $51.1 million Private Jet will therefore enable us to search for a solution to our problems in a speedy and efficient manner,” said Mr. Pilot.