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Wheel Clamp - The W1nners' Club

Southern Rail: “If you chop off the leg it doesn’t hurt quite so much if they lose a finger!”


Southern Rail is trialling a new vehicle clamping system in train station car parks in a bid to try to reduce delays.


It is hoped that if passengers suffer the inconvenience of having their vehicles clamped, train delays, cancellations and industrial action won’t appear quite as downright annoying as they do usually when commuters are simply trying to get to work on time every day.

Southern Rail’s Head of Passenger Discomfort Mr. Lee Vesondertrack said, “We recognise that our customers must be getting pretty pissed off with us lately what with all the strikes, signal failures, snow, cancellations, delays, passengers fainting, absent drivers, leaves on the track, breakdowns, doors jamming, packed carriages and price increases, that we have decided to take it upon ourselves to manage people’s expectations a bit better. From now on passengers can expect a minor disaster in the form of wheel clamping before they commence their journey so that the inevitable disasters that occur when they travel won’t feel quite as annoying.”

Southern’s new customer care policy is known as the relative disaster management system and was first conceived when the rail operator realised that the problem with their service delivery was not the utter shambles it has now become, but the fact that customers still believe a decent train service should be made available to them after spending £5000 a year on a season ticket.

The Rail, Maritime and Transport union accused Southern Rail of using clamping to generate extra revenue, but the company has assured RMT that the new measures are only being put in place to guarantee as much passenger discomfort as possible so that expectations get lowered overall.

“It’s all about managing the passengers really. If you’re used to going on holiday to The Maldives every year then a bucket and spade weekend in Skegness is going to be pretty depressing, but if you actually live in Skegness then pretty much anywhere will do as a holiday destination,” Mr. Vesondertrack added.


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