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Village Green - The W1nners' Club

The Village Green – no relation to Sir Philip Green


The pensions regulator announced yesterday that it will be ruthlessly pursuing Sir Philip Green in an effort to force him to cough up the £1 he made from the sale of BHS.


Green sold the now defunct department store chain to serial bankrupt Dominic Chappell back in March 2015 and the regulator is hoping to recover the £1 sale price to plug the £571 million deficit in the company’s pension scheme.

Chief Executive of the pensions regulator Mr. Benny Ficiary said, “We’ve got previous when it comes to recovering missing funds from pension schemes. Remember what happened with Robert Maxwell? This time therefore, rather than waiting until Sir Philip Green inevitably fakes his own death and gets out of paying a penny, we have decided to spare no expense whatsoever in getting back the pound he made from the sale of the company and distributing it to the beneficiaries of the fund.”

The regulator has activated its legal powers to pursue Green after talks over a bailout for the scheme broke down when Sir Philip offered to, ‘sort the problems facing BHS pensioners,’ by offering to sell them items from the company’s winter 2013 range at half price.

The pension regulator can legally force Sir Philip Green to make the outstanding payment if the determination panel rules that he should, although Green can appeal the decision starting with the upper tribunal, then the court of appeal, and finally the supreme court – it is at this point that he may then consider faking a yachting accident off the coast of Monaco if things don’t go his way.

The latest developments will have a large bearing on whether Sir Philip Green will retain his knighthood after MPs unanimously voted to strip him of the honour.

A spokesperson from the government’s forfeiture committee said, “we all thought Philip Green was a top bloke before and had no idea he was a Billionaire Spiv masquerading as a retail tycoon. We therefore plan to reduce his title from, ‘Sir Philip Green,’ down to that of a more humble sounding, ‘Phil G.’ We also think he should be forced to sell his yacht and ride around Monaco harbour in a pedalo. As a final indignity, he should also be made to wear the clothes BHS couldn’t sell in its final closing down sale – that’ll make him think twice before he hoodwinks us into thinking he’s the dog’s bollocks ever again.”

The regulator’s determinations panel will meet in a few months to make a ruling on the case.

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