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Shoplifter - The W1nners' Club

Australian Supermarket Customers – A short time in jail after the Coles January sale

 

Australian retailer Coles is limiting the amount of items customers can scan at their self-service tills after 22,000 shoplifters got caught in the past 12 months.

 

Despite a few Australians expressing shock and dismay at the recent crime wave, the vast majority claim such criminality should be respected as a cultural tradition alongside beating the English at cricket.

Australian Consumer Rights Activist Mr. Earl E. Payment said, “What you have to understand is, the reason why most of our ancestors ended up in Australia in the first place is because we nicked stuff and got deported here. Attempting to curb our collective kleptomania would be like asking the pommes to drop drinking tea. Admittedly, we might not be very good at it as our ancestors and 22,000 Coles customers this year all got caught – but the English invented soccer and got beaten by Iceland in the Euros for fuck’s sake.”

The self-scanner has been a popular addition to supermarkets across Australia, but recent survey figures showed one in three Australians confessed to self-service theft – the rest being either pathological liars or recent immigrants that are not yet fully aware of the national pastime.

The majority of the shoplifting at Coles involved substitute scanning where shoppers ring through cherries as cheap carrots, mangoes as apples or Coca Cola as Pepsi.

The scam was finally uncovered when a beady-eyed security guard noticed customers all walking around in Nike Air Jordans even though the system recorded a record year for the sale of Gola – which were coincidentally being stored at the Deli counter as the warehouse is already packed full of the aforementioned brand.

“If I ring through a bottle of Dom Perignon Champagne as a bag of Coles own brand self-raising flour at the self-serve checkout, I save myself enough cash for a new pair of thongs and a ticket to the crocodile wrestling. In my opinion the people that don’t do that should be deported back to England,” Mr. Payment added.

The self-scanning limit will be trialed at stores in New South Wales, Victoria and South Australia, according to a spokesperson from the company whose great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather got caught stealing apples from London’s Portobello Road market.

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