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Petrol pump - The W1nners' Club

Shell – only certain homes will be fitted with a cashpoint…..


Shell has announced plans to gain its first foothold into the UK’s household energy market by fitting petrol pumps onto the homes of its customers.


The fuel giant is already actively involved in the wholesale energy market, but this is the first time it will supply UK homes directly, leaving many customers wondering if they’ll be able to pay their utility bills with a fuel card going forward.

UK Household Energy Customer Mr. Bill Payer said, “I’ve heard some absolute whoppers in my time, but Shell providing household energy? That’ll be like seeing a pair of tits on a bull! I use gas for my cooking and central heating, electricity for my lighting and plug sockets, so what the f*ck do I need Shell to supply me with petrol every day for? The only way I can see such a ridiculous plan working is if they drive a petrol tanker around every morning and fill everyone’s car up whilst delivering the morning paper alongside packets of Tic-Tacs, Turtle Wax and de-icer.”

Some customers have stated that they would only consider using Shell as their main energy supplier if it meant that they could have their tyre pressure checked whilst purchasing charcoal and firelighters, but others say that this alone won’t be sufficient to provide enough heating for an average three-bedroomed semi-detached house in the middle of winter.

The Police however have welcomed Shell’s incursion into the home energy market and say that tracking people down who drive off without paying for their petrol will now be a much easier task than it was in the past.

“The main reason I won’t be buying my household energy from Shell is because it already takes too long to queue up and pay for petrol. There’s also the added problem of trying to refuel when you’ve parked your car on the wrong side of the petrol pump – imagine what a pain that’s going to be if you try to do it with your f*cking house?” Mr. Payer added.


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