Poundland has announced plans to start selling sex for £1 a go.
The new product called Nooky, follows the success of the discount retailer’s £1 bullet vibrator which became a best-seller back in 2016.
Poundland’s Head of Cheaply Procured Shorterm Dating, Mr. Pimpson Hoes said, “We’re really aiming to make sex more accessible with our new Nooky range of products. Instead of running the risk of being caught kerb crawling down a dingy backstreet in Bradford, customers can now purchase sex at affordable prices whilst doing their weekly shopping. Just think, one minute you’re stood in the checkout queue purchasing a new school uniform for £4, next thing you know, you’re in the back of the store wearing the very school uniform you’ve just bought pretending to be Britney Spears with a ball gag strapped to your face – it’ll certainly make shopping more interesting.”
The Nooky line of products will come with a “Finger Fun Stimulator, Vibrating Love Ring, Joy Ring, Sexual Vitality Supplements For Her, Supplement For Men and Pure Lube – all of which can be found in the retail store’s bargain bin next to the thermal travel mugs and multipacks of Walkers crisps.
With the average visit to a Soho brothel now costing over £50 for an hour, Poundland hopes it can make shopping for sex more accessible – although retail experts have stated that placing a picture of a policeman in the front window of the store may do as much to deter customers of coitus as it currently puts off shoplifters – what with the picture not actually being a real police officer so therefore there’s no chance whatsoever of anyone getting arrested for anything before the real police turn up.
“Our research shows that a quarter of men admit they’d be willing to buy sex as part of their weekly shop and 68 per cent of British women still feel embarrassed when stepping into a back street massage parlour – even in this day and age. The study also shows however, that 99.9% of people feel embarrassed walking into Poundland so maybe that’s something we need to consider as well,” Mr. Hoes added.