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Ryanair Holidays - The W1nners' Club

Ryanair – exporting British culture since the ’90s


Low cost airline operator Ryanair announced the launch of a new package holiday service that seeks to undercut existing tour operators by offering even cheaper ways for young Brits to get into trouble on the continent through excessive binge drinking.


The new venture called Ryanair Holidays, will take what’s left of UK holidaymakers’ international reputation when it comes to bad behaviour in a foreign country and will more likely than not ensure major European cities start, ‘doing a Trump,’ by threatening to build a Brexit wall to keep our exuberant youngsters out.

Ryanair’s Chief of Operations Mr. Miles High said, “If something is cheap, we can do it cheaper. The standard lads and lasses package holiday to Zante will be plunged to new depths once we get our mitts on it. Hotels for example – everybody knows that most people end up falling asleep propped up against a lamp post or on benches after a night out on the strip if they don’t end up in a police cell, so we’re doing away with those. Then there’s the destination. Does a group of 17 year olds on their first trip away really care where they end up as long as they get absolutely smashed for a week? We’ll therefore offer trips to wherever the next available flight happens to be going – which of course will be miles from the stated destination, thus enabling us to cut prices even further.”

Law enforcement officials across Europe have expressed concern that even more feral British youngsters will now descend on their streets and question the ethics of giving hordes of horny adolescents an even greater opportunity to drink and bonk themselves silly for a week for the cost of a KFC Zinger Tower burger meal.

“Do Ryanair have any idea what they’re doing? You’ve seen what happened to Ayia Nappa and San Antonio and now they want to do the same to Lisbon. By the time they’ve finished, the Champs Elysees will look like Grimsby town centre during bank holiday weekend,” said one European municipal official.

Despite the overwhelming consternation, Ryanair Holidays has already launched and the company is also considering offering events tickets, restaurant bookings and other travel-related services in the future.

“We’re constantly looking for new ways to cut costs in the travel industry. One thing we’re considering is removing the travel part altogether. We may just send one of our reps to your home to sell you scratch cards and charge you £40 for hand luggage whilst you’re having your dinner and that will be your holiday. You’ll still probably be closer to your destination than you would be if you boarded one of our flights,” Mr. High added.

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