Rolls Royce insist that bribery and corruption are still two of the best ways to sell a £250,000 motorised skip on wheels to unyielding customers.
Given the plethora of other things that could be purchased with a quarter of a million pounds, the car maker is adamant that the odd kickback and freebie is the only effective way to get plenty of units shifted.
Rolls Royce’s Head of Trading Mrs. Emma Bezzlement said, “Look, the principle is very simple. If I told you that you could have a Rolls Royce Phantom for the price of a Skoda Octavia, you’d bite my hand off wouldn’t you? Bribing customers is therefore the best way of ensuring we sell as many units as possible of our overpriced gas guzzlers – at the right price. I mean, who would want one if it actually cost 250 grand and we didn’t pay the buyer an, ‘introduction fee,’ of £225,000 via an intermediary?’
Rolls Royce will engage in a DPA or Deferred Prosecution Agreement with the Serious Fraud Office for £497 million plus costs in lieu of getting into proper trouble – which is as blatant a manifestation of bribery and corruption as you’ll ever see without anybody getting seriously punished.
Rolls Royce is one of the UK’s biggest manufacturing exporters and as well as cars, the company also makes engines for military and civil planes, as well as for trains, ships, nuclear submarines and power stations – although the power stations ironically don’t come with power steering, heated rear windows or indeed ABS.
“We wouldn’t be the company we are today if we hadn’t greased a few palms on the way up. How are you supposed to sell products in Brazil unless you slip a few £50 notes under an apple pie and present it to them as a token of appreciation for your burgeoning business relationship?” Mrs. Bezzlement added.
This is only the third DPA the Serious Fraud Office has made since they were introduced into UK law in 2014, but since then the average SFO employee now drives a Rolls Royce Ghost to do the school run every day.