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Robert Mugabe - The W1nners' Club

Robert Mugabe – looking forward to placing Jean-Claude Juncker under house arrest…..


Former Zimbabwean President Mr. Robert Mugabe has offered to assist with Britain’s trade talks in the next round of Brexit negotiations.


The ageing ex-dictator is said to be looking for a new project to undertake now that he has a lot more time on his hands since leaving office and Zimbabwean officials have stated that he has chosen Britain’s Brexit trade talks as the ideal platform upon which to exercise an elder statesman-like role.

The Zimbabwean government’s Head of Presidential Retirement Planning Mr. Masupa Annuation said, “the old man has a bit of extra time on his hands these days so he’s looking for a new challenge now that there are no more free and fair elections to interfere with anymore. Mr. Mugabe has proven himself to be a world leader when it comes to abandoning all economic reasoning in the pursuit of an esoteric ideal, so the onset of Brexit trade talks couldn’t have come at a better time.”

Mr. Mugabe sees himself taking on a sort of EU commissioner emeritus-type role where he won’t be deciding the finer points of any agreement between Britain and the EU per se, but will instead provide a stabilising presence because, he argues, there are still a number of white farmers left in Zimbabwe whereas the British government is contemplating walking away from its largest economic partner altogether if a satisfactory agreement cannot be made.

The ex-President has also said that he would be an ideal candidate to manage any fall in the value of the pound because he has garnered almost unparalleled experience in dealing with currency fluctuations that were caused by a populist political agenda.

“The only real problem I forsee is that ‘Uncle Bob,’ might insist on the Brexit trade negotiations taking place at Lancaster House instead of in Brussels, so there’s a good chance that any subsequent agreement might take 37 years to ratify whilst everybody tries to persuade him to let the British electorate decide who should run the country in the interim,” Mr. Annuation added.


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