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Late trains - The W1nners' Club

Late Trains – would have been referred to as temporally frustrated locomotives under the old rules….


Britain’s rail companies have finally agreed to engage the full power of the English language and take the gargantuan step of referring to late trains as ‘late.’


In an overhaul of the semantic gerrymandering that was previously endemic in the rail industry, trains that turn up on time will no longer be referred to as ‘early’ and trains that never actually leave the shunting yard will no longer be referred to as ‘delayed.’

Rail bosses insist however that ‘Cancelled’ is still a term that may be used from time-to-time to refer to trains that have never been built on lines that don’t actually exist.

Network Rail’s Head of Euphemisms Mr. Paul Light-Terms said, “We understand that our customers may in the past have thought that we were orating bovine waste material when we refer to a train that is chronologically challenged as being ‘on time,’ but it’s important to realise that we’re being customer focused in maintaining a certain degree of economy when it comes to telling the truth. Going forward, we will refer to any train that doesn’t turn up on time as ‘late’ – although it’s unclear at this juncture, what effect this will have on punctuality performance data.”

As the current rules stand, trains are currently considered on time if they arrive at their destination within 10 minutes of the correct schedule, but passengers have complained that telling the boss at work that they’re early even though they should have started work 5 minutes ago is one of the quickest ways to get yourself the sack.

Network Rail concedes that passengers want a reliable, on-time train service and one of the best ways this can be provided is by using the same temporal concepts as everybody else rather than simply stretching out time to fit around unilaterally enhanced management gobbledegook.

“We may have committed some terminological inexactitudes in the past, but rather than relay misinformation about how late our trains are, we have elected to engage less profligacy with regard to misspeak and instead will seek decreasing levels of opaqueness when it comes to reporting train punctuality,” Mr. Light-Terms added.


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