Lloyds is set to ramp up its operations in the PPI mis-selling industry by purchasing the credit card firm MBNA from Bank of America for £1.9 billion.
Despite setting aside an extra £1 billion in October for its own mis-sold PPI claims, this latest move will ensure the part state-owned bank gains an even stronger foothold in what has proven to be one of the UK’s more lucrative products for financial service vendors that have absolutely no qualms about preying on the mortal fear people have of becoming unemployed.
Lloyds’ Head of Consumer Chicanery Mr. Connar Tist said, “PPI mis-selling is big business in the UK. Nearly everyone has either been sold or has had someone attempt to sell them credit card protection insurance – even if they don’t own a fucking credit card. Alongside this, there’s also the booming subsidiary industries that contain the annoying folk who ring you up at the precise moment the last thing you would ever want to talk about is PPI – to ask if you’ve ever been mis-sold PPI or not. Our latest acquisition will ensure the taxpayers who bailed us out back in 2008 will continue to get their own money lent back to them whilst we fritter away even more cash on claims for fraudulently mis-sold credit insurance.”
Lloyds has stated that MBNA will retain its own branding as the company already has a well established reputation for mis-selling that is reflected in the £240 million it needs to put aside next year for claims.
In October, Lloyds confirmed that more than 1,200 jobs will be lost as a result of restructuring plans, although each one of these people now in need of PPI would need to have earned £1,583,333 a year to pay for the cost of the MBNA purchase – either that or they’d need to have been the greatest mis-sellers of PPI the world has ever known – possibly both.
The W1nners’ Club telephoned a mis-sold PPI customer at about 7pm on a Wednesday night and the person in question simply said, “PPI? PPI-ss off more like. Stop fucking ringing me up when I’m about to hump the missus.”
Another individual whose mate got £5000 back when the banks received a shoeing for excessive overdraft fees and is therefore mildly intrigued by the potential earnings to be made from corporate misadventure said, “I have absolutely no idea if I’ve ever been mis-sold PPI or not, but I suppose that’s where the mis-selling bit comes in.”
Lloyds was 43% owned by the taxpayer up until 2013; a significant proportion of whom believe PPI is 3.14159 as said by somebody that has a severe stammer and are therefore very easy to mis-sell to according to the credit card industry.