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Riot Club - The W1nners' Club

Champagne – back in the hands of its rightful owners

 

Upper class drinkers rejoiced upon hearing that the price of Champagne will rise as a result of Brexit.

 

Despite losing their last key class identifier since the UK abolished its national pastime of going over to hot countries and shooting dark skinned people, many in society’s higher echelons feel this latest revelation presents an ideal opportunity to reaffirm a few long forgotten home truths.

Serial posh person Mr. Archie Duke said, “A society can only really be referred to as such when there are clear lines that separate those that accidentally tread in dog poo from time to time and those that were born to be the very dog poo that gets trodden in. The footpaths of England are covered in dog poo and in my opinion none of it should be allowed to watch Cricket, wear Burberry or drink Champagne unless it’s purchased from Lidl.”

Despite attempting to reposition itself as the UK’s last truly oppressed minority – albeit one that, ‘pops over,’ to Venice for lunch and owns most of the bad manners at the Henley Regatta, Britain’s well-bred see an increase in the price of Champagne as one of their last opportunities to own something that people who won’t be spending their retirement years sleeping on the House of Lords benches can’t afford.

“Tommy Hilfiger, Barbour, Hunter – it’s all gone. Even Louis Vuitton used to be worn by people with at least a few hectares to their name but now it’s all dead rappers and Charlotte from Geordie Shore. At least with the price of Champagne going up, rich people won’t have to spend their afternoons at the pub pretending to like craft beer in an attempt to differentiate themselves from the Blackpool hen party that just ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon,” Mr. Duke added.

Poor people have also expressed joy at the price of Champagne increasing next year, with one person that smokes 50 cigarettes a day and also has a criminal record for handling stolen goods saying, “we couldn’t afford it before but we still bought Champagne to pretend we had money and now we can pretend we have even more money that we don’t have. The worse the exchange rate gets, the richer we look buying a bottle of Veuve Cliquot at the bar!”

Britain accounted for nearly 23 percent of France’s champagne exports last year, equivalent to 34.2 million bottles, although it’s unclear how many of these were purchased by people who actually like the taste or simply enjoy seeing the word, ‘Bollinger,’ on a till receipt.

 

 

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