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International Food - The W1nners' Club

Panasonic Washing Machine – No matter where you are in the world, all stains ultimately look a bit like egg


Panasonic have launched a new washing machine that comes with a special mode to tackle stains that are local to whichever country it is being used in.


The new model has been in development for the past two years and tests have involved different combinations of water temperature and water flow as well as company executives having to eat at a different restaurant every night for 4 months in succession.

Panasonic’s Head of International Cuisine Mr. Al Forno said, “Our revolutionary new technology means the owners of our new machines can press a button and a wash cycle that is optimised for the national stains of whichever country you happen to be in will start. If you happen to be in India, the machine will be optimised for washing curry. If you happen to be in England, the machine will also be optimised for curry alongside fish and chips, strong lager and the tears generated by grown men that have been watching the world cup. In Scotland the machine is optimised for clearing up deep fried Mars Bars and Buckfast residue alongside bloodstains after a brawl on a Friday night in Glasgow.”

The technology is proving so popular with early adopters of the new machines, that some people in the UK have attempted to take their washing machines on holiday with them – although why you’d need a washing machine to clean up local stains on your clothing when all you’ll be eating is exactly what you normally consume back at home is anyone’s guess.

The new Panasonic model is currently available in the following countries and has been quality tested for each nation’s respective local smears:


France: Frogs Legs and Red Wine

Germany: Bratwurst and the ink from EU bailout loan agreements

Columbia: Cocaine and gunpowder

The Netherlands: Cannabis and Gouda cheese

Ireland: Guinness and yet more Guinness

USA: McDonald’s and Russian Prostitute wee

“We plan to have our machines optimised for every country on earth within 2 years except of course, North Korea. You’ll need a lot more than a fucking washing machine to clear that mess up!” Mr. Forno added.


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