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Mouldy Apples - The W1nners' Club

Getting across The Alps in an Ocado van may increase delivery times


Ocado’s overseas customers are unsure whether their groceries will arrive before going out of date.


The online grocer has signed a new deal with a regional European retailer, but its new customers have raised concerns over how long the goods will take to deliver given the fact the average Ocado van has a maximum speed of 50 mph downhill with a decent tailwind.

Ocado’s Head of Rotten Fruit and Vegetables Mr. Fester Mildew said, “We are working hard with our distribution division to see if we can squeeze a few more revs out of the Ocado vans. It’s one thing making a delivery to a house in South East London from our headquarters in Hatfield, but if someone orders a Ben and Jerry’s Karamel Sutra ice cream and it needs delivering to somewhere in Eastern Europe, we’re going to have a break a few of the local speed limits to get it to the customer before it melts.”

This is the first overseas deal that Ocado has ever made with a retailer and the company is looking to upgrade its fleet of delivery vans by adding a spoiler to the roof, new spark plugs and go faster stripe stickers to the sides in a bid to improve speed.

Ocado’s new European retail partner currently has a warehouse where some orders can be fulfilled, but its deal with Ocado will give customers on the continent the ability to feel ostentatiously middle class when the Ocado van turns up with the weekly shopping – thus causing the neighbours to go green with envy.

“This is an exciting step in the evolution of our business but we just need to find a way of getting all the orders delivered before the food goes out of date. One way of achieving this might be to try and convince our European customers that bruised and mouldy bananas are a delicacy in the UK – they already think our food is terrible anyway,” Mr. Mildew added.




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