Thousands of office workers have been forced by managers to wear brain scanners in a bid to prevent them, ‘pulling a sickie.’
The devices will be able to monitor how much they spent at the pub after work, who they were with and also what time they went to bed if indeed they did at all.
Office manager and serial jobsworth Mr. Ron De Kompany said, “Troublesome staff have a very simple choice if they keep pulling sickies – either wear a brain scanner or get yourself down to the benefits office pronto! These new devices will consign the traditional duvet day to history because we’ll know exactly who is genuinely ill and who is simply catching up on the sleep they should have got last night but didn’t because they ordered their last Mojito at 4am.”
The ridiculous looking devices are worn by employees for 24 hours a day and bosses in many leading UK companies have hailed them as an excellent way to prevent staff from getting hammered after work every night of the week.
“The scanners have the added bonus of looking a bit like Orthopaedic protective headgear, so that in itself prevents staff from wanting to be seen wearing one in public. Apart from that however, if a member of the team is suffering from a hangover we’ll send an electrical pulse into their brain tissue via the device that’ll make them feel like their head is about to explode – that usually makes them think twice about having a kip in the toilets,” said Mr. De Kompany.
Upgrades are available for the brain scanning devices to help managers root out the pathological liars in their office that are prone to telling tall stories to colleagues.
“You know the type. The one who has got 4 dates this week – each one of them a glamour model or porn actress but in reality all he does after work is go home to his mum and have a good cry. We’ll be able to spot their bullshit much more effectively if we have data that confirms they’re telling porkies,” Mr De Kompany added.
Civil liberties groups and unions have said the devices risk turning office workers into robots – the very reason why they should be rolled out to each and every employee according to the National Line Managers’ Association.