Vodafone is leaving the pager business after finally realising that the only person in the UK who still uses one is birdwatching aficionado Bill Oddie.
The telecoms operator agreed a deal to sell its pager division to professional services company Capita, but because the deal will leave Bill Oddie as the only person that still actively uses the archaic devices, the transaction must be approved by the Competition and Markets Authority as it creates an effective monopoly.
Vodafone’s Head of Birdwatching supplies Mrs. Mandy Bull said, “We did a recent survey to find out who still uses pagers these days and the results showed us that the only person left still actively using one is Bill Oddie. Most yuppies and drug dealers have now progressed onto mobile phones so for us to sustain the telecommunicative indulgence of a single birdwatcher – albeit the greatest bird watcher ever, doesn’t really make sound commercial sense to us.”
Apart from being an important tool of the trade for street pimps, pagers have also historically been used in hospitals, the emergency services including the fire brigade and coastguard, and companies in the transport and utilities sectors – although the average road mender these days can often be spotted playing Candy Crush on a smartphone in the work van when not on traffic sign duty.
Back in the 1990s it was considered cool to own a pager and people would often get their mates to send them messages whilst on a first date in an attempt to appear so important that people need to contact you all the time – now however, it’s impossible to look cool if you own a pager unless you’re a little hairy man who was massively famous in the 1970s.
“If Bill Oddie sold crack cocaine or ran a brothel, then there might be some benefit to staying in the pager business but alas, the only birds he deals in are the ornithological kind so the pager’s chickens have finally come home to roost,” Mrs. Bull added.