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Self-driving cars - The W1nners' Club

Nissan self-driving cars – need to re-sit the theory test


UK Prime Minister Theresa May has offered additional support to Nissan in helping to get its self-driving cars to pass the DVLA theory exam.

Despite requiring the IQ of a ring worm to achieve a decent mark in the test, Nissan’s vehicles have failed the driving test theory exam on no less than three occasions. The repeated failures have caused concern within the auto giant who aim to have fully autonomous driverless vehicles on the road by the year 2025.

Renault Nissan’s Head of machine learning Mr. Al Gorithm said, “We really don’t want to put too much pressure on our self-driving cars but if this carries on I’ll most definitely get the sack. They’re fine when they’re out on the road – mirror, signal, manoeuvre and all that comes easily to them, but stick ‘em in a formal exam setting and they just seem to bottle it.”

The situation has been rendered all the more worrying because Google and Amazon’s autonomous vehicles have passed the test with flying colours.

“They’re tech companies so they know all about software and stuff, we on the other hand are a car manufacturer so we’re much happier in a panel beaters workshop with a topless calendar on the wall. Google’s car can recite the highway code in Latin if you ask it to, but it looks like an Austin Metro wearing a fucking baby grow. Ours on the other hand looks like it should be docked to a space station, but we still have to put stickers on the wheels to remind it which way left and right are.”

The UK government is keen to encourage the development of driverless car technology and has pledged to support Nissan by providing extra private tuition and a Highway Code summer camp for its dim-witted automobiles.

“It can’t be nice for our cars when they stop at a red light and Google’s pull up by the side revving their engines and making rude hand gestures just because they passed their test on the first go,” said Mr. Gorithm.

When asked when he thought Nissan’s vehicles would be ready to successfully complete their theory exam he said, “to put things into perspective, one of the exam questions is as follows: While at a mini-roundabout, you need to (a) give way to oncoming traffic on your left, (b) give way to oncoming traffic ahead of you, (c) give way to oncoming traffic on your right, or (d) come to a halt even when there is no traffic – our self-driving Qashqai model answered, ‘bacon.’ At this rate we’ll be lucky if our cars have learnt to reverse park by 2025.”

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