Nissan have made the bold claim they are more popular than Christianity in a shameless show of pre-brexit bravado.
The Japanese car manufacturer has recently been holding court with top officials including the Prime Minister as the government attempts to ensure the UK doesn’t lose production of its Bluebird model to an EU state.
Nissan’s director of UK manufacturing Mr. Ian Dicator said, “It’s important the UK government has a firm grip on just how important the Nissan Bluebird is for the illegal minicab industry in this country. If you’re pissed out of your head after a night on the sauce and haven’t got enough free data left to download the Uber app, the quickest way of getting home is to approach anyone in a Nissan Bluebird and say, ‘Can you take me to Hounslow for £15?’”
Despite uncertainty over Britain’s economic future, the government is keen to ensure our key industries are not adversely affected by June’s referendum vote and is therefore making overtures to anyone that is threatening to move their production plants over to Azerbaijan, or anywhere else that will have a more buoyant economy than ours in 6 months’ time.
“Ever since we said we were pulling the plug on the UK, it’s been the car maker equivalent of being in the fucking Beatles!” said Mr Dicator. “We talk to the Business Secretary on the phone, ‘Eight days a week,’ since Britain said, ‘Hello, Goodbye,’ to the EU and the Prime Minister has said that, ‘in spite of all the danger,’ she’ll be emploring Europe to, ‘Let it Be,’ and maintain free trade for us – ‘free as a bird,’ that is.”
The unprecedented privileges Nissan has been granted will naturally inspire other major companies to play the, ‘we’re off to Baku,’ card and firms in the finance, pharmaceutical and aerospace industries have also been seeking an audience with the PM.
A government spokesperson said, “when someone is extremely privileged due to their economic and cultural importance, you will always get others trying to get in on the act – look at The Monkees for fuck’s sake!”
Nissan will make two new car models at its Sunderland plant – safeguarding nearly 7000 jobs, before the board members all fall out with each other because one of them is in love with a Japanese conceptual artist that likes to pose naked and spend all day in bed at the Amsterdam Hilton.