New Zealand’s beer drinkers face mass starvation as a result of the crisp shortage known as the “Chipocalypse”.
Up to a third of the country’s potato crop has been destroyed by persistent wet weather, meaning the majority of the islands’ hardened beer drinkers face the prospect of having to go home to eat a meal with their families rather than grabbing a bag of crisps at their local watering hole instead.
The New Zealand government’s Chief Potato Grower Mrs. Marie Piper said, “There is a very real possibility that the Chipocalypse could cause mass starvation in New Zealand due to the fact that crisps are the staple diet of most heavy beer drinkers. Whilst the government is doing all it can to make sure supplies are distributed to pubs in as many of the key urban areas as possible, some backwater drinking holes may run out in the next few days if we can’t get new supplies out to them quickly enough.”
New Zealand’s North Island, where the main crisping varieties of potato are grown, has suffered the most as a result of the crisp shortage and refugee camps have been set up on the South to try to accommodate those beer drinkers that would rather flee the North than go home to eat a proper meal with their folks.
The New Zealand government has attempted to prevent an outbreak of famine in the North by distributing kale crisp substitutes to pubs in the areas worst affected, but drinkers have complained that such a meagre diet is completely unacceptable and completely ruins the taste of a decent pint of lager.
“The problem is now so bad that people are feeding on the handfuls of Bombay Mix that have been sat in a bowl at the end of the bar for two days as a result of the crisp shortage. If the government doesn’t do anything soon, I fear they may resort to cannibalism just to stay alive,” Mrs. Piper added.