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Hayley Joel Osment - The W1nners' Club

Nutella – has moved in the opposite direction to Hayley Joel Osment in terms of sweetness….

 

The new Nutella formula may now be considerably sweeter than Hayley Joel Osment’s character in Forrest Gump according to scientists.

 

Nutella aficionados have voiced anger at the new formula which some say is right up there with the little girl from St. Winifred’s School Choir who sang the lead part on their hit single, There’s No One Quite Like Grandma in terms of overall sweetness.

Nutella’s Head of Tugging at the Heartstrings Mrs. Emma Ocean said, “We admit that we may have added more sugar to our new recipe to make it a little bit sweeter, in fact the new formula is so sweet that if you listen closely to the jar when you open it, you just might be able to hear one of the Teletubbies attempting to recite the six times table incorrectly. We even had a few problems when conducting market research during customer focus groups as everybody wanted to take the sample Nutella jars home with them and keep them as pets – that’s how sweet it is.”

The recipe tweaks were initially spotted by eagle-eyed German consumer group Hamburg Consumer Protection Centre who claimed the new recipe increased its content of powdered skimmed milk from 7.5% to 8.7%, and sugar from 55.9% to 56.3% – making it sweeter than a baby kitten that’s trying to bite your finger whilst sitting on your lap.

Earlier this year Nutella fans were left shocked by a “deconstructed” photo of its raw ingredients which revealed a sugar content so high that its sweetness is comparable to that concerned look Gary Lineker had on his face when he tried to alert the bench that Gazza had burst into tears during the 1990 world cup semi-final.

“The quality and all the other aspects of Nutella remain the same, it’s just a damn sight sweeter these days. It’s so sweet in fact, that it could quite easily be confused with your grandma who has just spent 6 weeks knitting you a badly fitting woolly jumper that has a picture of a fluffy bunny rabbit on the back specially for your 28th birthday,” Mrs. Ocean added.

 

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