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My Friend Cayla - The W1nners' Club

My Friend Cayla – alleged to be an agent working undercover for the Protection of the Constitution of the GDR


The distributor of My Friend Cayla, a talking doll which has been banned in Germany due to security concerns insists the toy has never at any point been a high ranking member of The Stasi.


Vivid GmbH has refuted allegations about My Friend Cayla that her real identity is actually Cayla Von Zersetzung, the former head of the Department for Struggle Against Suspicious Persons in cold war East Germany.

Vivid GmbH’s Head of Dolls and action figures Mrs. Barbie Millicent Roberts said, “My Friend Cayla is not an espionage device and can be used safely in every respect according to the user manual. All we advise is that you don’t say anything derogatory about the Socialist Unity Party of the former East Germany or you might find that your phone gets tapped and people start to follow you in the street.”

The toy was banned by Germany’s Federal Network Agency because the software inside it can apparently be hacked and numerous people whose children are in possession of one have reported becoming the victim of workplace smear campaigns, had compromising photos sent to their partner and constantly keep receiving pizza deliveries they haven’t ordered.

German authorities have advised parents who have bought the doll for their children to destroy it immediately, although those that attempt to do so inevitably face the prospect of being bundled into the boot of a car and taken to a remote location to have their genitals attached to a car battery.

“The claims in the German media are factually incorrect and the idea that My Friend Cayla is actually the infamous Butcher of Brandenburg Prison are quite frankly ridiculous. We would like to reassure customers that there are no grounds whatsoever for owners to destroy, or get rid of their doll – just be mindful that when you ask it to play music, all it ever plays is ‘Auferstanden aus Ruinen,’ the former East Germany national anthem,” Mrs. Roberts added.

The UK Toy Retailers Association has said it is “satisfied that this product offers no special risk and there is no reason for alarm,” prompting fears that My Friend Cayla could be working as a double agent for British Intelligence.


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