Poundland has enjoyed a sharp increase in its share price after staff found mouse droppings at two outlet stores in Birmingham worth £134,000.
Alongside the valuable find at the stores, excited staff also discovered a chocolate Father Christmas with part of its head nibbled away, a partially-eaten Easter egg and rodent-related ‘smearing’ on a shelving unit.
Poundland’s Head of Pest Control Mr. Thomas Jerry said, “The courts have valued our recent discovery at a whopping £134,000. Who would have thought that mouse droppings would cost that much? In all honesty, I’m not sure how the court officials could tell the difference between droppings and the few rogue coco-pops that occasionally get strewn about the place, but two local authority health inspectors have confirmed that – yes, it’s definitely mouse shit that’s been discovered.”
Local authority inspectors were called to the stores in February and September of 2015 after members of the public alerted them to the potentially valuable find. Internal documents also show that keen-eyed staff had identified there being an abundance of, ‘crap everywhere,’ and a, ‘disgusting,’ storeroom – the perfect conditions for expensive mouse droppings to be discovered in.
One Poundland worker said, “I’ve known for ages that this sort of thing was going to happen. It’s one of those once-in-a-lifetime discoveries that makes you believe in fairy tales and happy endings all over again. One minute you’re moaning about your job wishing you’d worked harder at school, next thing you know – you’ve just discovered £134,000 worth of mouse crap. I fucking love my job!”
Poundland have issued a statement saying, “we wish to reconfirm our commitment to pursuing the highest standards of health and safety for colleagues and customers, however this objective must not get in the way of making valuable discoveries such as these. We have therefore decided to get a cat to hopefully make the mice shit themselves a bit more – ker-ching!”