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Blacked Up Morris Dancers The W1nners' Club

Tory Glastonbury: The Wurzels pulled out at the last minute.


The headline act for this year’s Tory Glastonbury will be a troupe of blacked-up Morris dancers The W1nners’ Club can reveal.


The one day event being held in September will comprise four main stages namely: The Maypole Stage, The Cake Stall, The Tug-of-War and a tiny stand selling locally produced items such as home made jam, Lemonade and an assortment of pickles.

The Conservative Party’s Head of Musical Entertainment Mr. Jacob Reece-Moog said, “Everybody thinks it’s only the lefties that know how to have a good time but I can tell you now that the Tory party knows how to rock as well. They have Glastonbury and we have Gladstone-bury. Their festivals involve loud music being played out of speakers, ours will involve the Speaker performing a choral recital accompanied by a hurdy-gurdy, accordion player and flautist. Their dance tent features the latest sounds from the world of house music, whereas ours will feature members of the house attempting to do clog dancing.”

Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party have agreed in principle to be the support act for the Tory version of Glastonbury, but their reported £1 billion appearance fee may have to be diverted from funds that were previously earmarked for social care spending.

Like the Glastonbury Festival, drugs will not be allowed at the Tory event, but if you know who to ask it may be possible for revellers to acquire an assortment of herbal teas that will be available from a dodgy looking bloke that hangs out by the portaloos whispering under his breath: ‘Camomile and Spearmint? Lemon Green Tea? I got the best Spiced Chai Latte bruv – trust me!’

“Why should the left have all the fun? The Tory party knows how to get young people interested in politics just like the Labour party does which is why a free pair of roller skates and a jack-in-the-box will be handed out to anyone under the age of 45 that decides to attend,” Mr Reece-Moog added.


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