Diesel emission tests conducted by Volkswagen have revealed that 9 out of 10 monkeys prefer the ‘high’ that is obtained from the exhaust fumes of a VW Beetle.
The exhaust fume tests were carried out by EUGT, a recently disbanded body that was funded by VW as well as industry rivals Daimler and BMW in a bid to find out just what would happen if you locked a group of primates in a sealed room and forced them to inhale exhaust fumes – which in our opinion sounds a bit like one of those stoned conversations you have with your flatmates whilst playing Pro Evo Soccer at 3am when you’re at University.
The head of Volkswagen’s Stoned Monkey Division Mr. Guy Rilla said, “conducting diesel emission tests on Monkeys is wrong, unethical and repulsive, but we just had to find out which one of our car models gives the best buzz to a primate if it’s forced to inhale the exhaust fumes over a sustained period. I personally put a fiver on the VW Golf Mark I.”
The New York Times reported last week that EUGT had exposed 10 monkeys to the exhaust fumes from several cars including the iconic diesel VW Beetle, a VW Passat, a 1993 VW Corrado whilst also giving some northern lights skunk weed served in a bong to a stump-tailed Macaque and a Mandrill as a control in the experiment.
All the monkeys reported feeling a bit ill upon first inhaling the exhaust fumes and the VW Polo was rated highest for ease of inhalation due to its menthol flavour, but the VW Beetle ultimately triumphed due to the fumes providing a ‘physically sedating effect,’ that is ‘perfect for relaxing with a movie or as a nightcap before going to bed.’
“It’s one of those debates you have with colleagues that just has to be put to bed once and for all. The other burning question doing the rounds at Volkwagen HQ is which animal would win in a fight between a Lion and a Honey Badger. We’ve been told however that locking one of each in a room to slug it out might not do our ethical reputation any favours in terms of animal cruelty,” Mr. Rilla added.