Billionaire tycoon Mike Ashley caused a panic among Sports Direct customers after entering the race to purchase struggling retailer Agent Provocateur.
Loyalists of the sports chain fear traditional sexy underwear brands like Slazenger, Everlast, Kangol and Karrimoor will be replaced in the bargain bins by high end negligée.
Sports Direct’s Head of Bargain Basement underwear Mr. Jock Strap said, “It’s not Sports Direct fans that need to worry, it’s the people that usually buy their undergarments from Agent Provocateur that will really notice the difference. If you’re used to wearing nipple pasties and eye masks for a, ‘quiet night in,’ with your partner, going forward you’ll have to make do with a Newcastle United baseball cap and swimming goggles. Similarly, if cuffs, chokers and body chains are usually your thing – let’s hope you can get aroused by somebody that’s holding a Dunlop golf umbrella whilst wearing a pair of rugby boots.”
Sports Direct customers have expressed concern that the acquisition of Agent Provocateur may move the discount retailer upmarket and they will no longer be offered ridiculously oversized carry bags for £1.50 at checkout even though they have only purchased a pair of Tottenham Hotspur slippers and some shin pads.
Ashley plans to keep Agent Provocateur’s 11 stores and use them to sell out of season Sports Direct lines in a bid to liquidate remnant inventory and increase footfall to Agent Provocateur sites – although it remains to be seen whether a hod carrier from Gateshead will start to buy Pure Aphrodisiaque Eau De Parfum to wear for Sunday league matches.
“We can assure Sport’s Direct customers that the acquisition of Agent Provocateur will not affect the existing quality of products currently on sale at our stores. We’d love to say the same to Agent Provocateur customers but we can’t because it would be a massive lie. If you’re thinking of buying an Agent Provocateur Leather whip and paddle set, you might have to make do with a boxing pad and skipping rope going forward,” Mr. Strap added.