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Farrow and Ball - The W1nners' Club

Farrow and Ball paint – upsetting the neighbours since 2009

 

Middle class people undertaking home decoration have started using Farrow and Ball paint cans to throw into the skip outside their homes completely unopened.

 

The firm’s products are rumoured to be so tricky to apply that many professional decorators have boycotted them altogether, but well-heeled customers have still been purchasing the upmarket paint pots for the sole purpose of making their neighbours go green (or rather, Vert De Terre) with envy.

Professional Painter and Decorator Mr. A. Crylic said, “Ever since Farrow and Ball stopped making oil based products back in 2009, trying to paint a wall with the stuff is like trying to paint the Forth Bridge with a children’s watercolour set. Because the brand is so fashionable however, all the Highgate and Cheshire Mums insist on purchasing tins to place in the skip outside for all the neighbours to see. The average five grand paint job these days consists of £500 for labour, £500 for the Dulux matt emulsion paint and £4000 for the cans of Farrow and Ball that get tossed straight into the skip – it’s f*cking ridiculous!”

A spokesperson for Farrow and Ball has said that the firm is not prepared to revert to oil-based paint just to make it easier to apply, but will instead invent a whole new swathe of pretentious sounding colour names so that customers get more value for money as the unused cans sit slowly rusting in a skip at the end of their driveway.

Farrow and Ball is famous for creating strikingly-named paint shades such as Smoked Trout, Elephant Breath, Swan’s Bollocks and Armadillo Nipples, and whilst the paint has been rendered completely unusable as a result of the latest alterations to its viscosity, there’s nothing quite like having a tin of unopened Camel Rectum sat in your skip to let the neighbours know just how much money you’ve spent on your latest home makeover.

“People keep buying Farrow & Ball paint because it’s a middle class phenomenon – you have to have it because of the name on the tin. Your kitchen walls might be covered in Crown Paint solvent-free standard emulsion, but what counts is the Farrow and Ball you’ve chucked away into the skip,” Mr. Crylic added.

 

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