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Francis holding Microsoft Xbox and PS4 - The W1nners' Club

Microsoft – Who’s Got Game?


The U.S. Supreme Court sided with Microsoft in a lawsuit brought by gamers who claim their ability to get girlfriends has been severely hampered as a result of owning an Xbox.


The suit claims the Xbox console is so addictive that many high frequency users now struggle to get laid having never developed the social skills to engage the opposite sex in a manner that could potentially result in sexual activity of some kind.

Microsoft’s Head of Extreme Gaming Mrs. Joy Padd said, “Whilst we concede that our consoles can be pretty addictive, you don’t absolve yourself of being a member of the human race just because the new Xbox One has been released. We instructed our legal team to issue a statement to the court that states anyone who can’t get laid because they spend all their time playing Halo Wars 2 should simply get out more – thankfully the court upheld our deposition.”

Xbox users claim that sitting up all night until 3am, smoking weed and playing Call of Duty WWII whilst gorging on Nachos is not the sort of behaviour girls find attractive in a potential suitor and as a result, making Xbox consoles so frikkin’ awesome represents a dereliction of duty on the part of Microsoft.

The US Supreme Court Presiding Judge stated in his summing up that being able to talk to girls is a very different skill set to being in a gaming chat room and operating under an alias, but also said that until a remotely life-like sexbot gets invented, gamers will have to attempt to chat up girls in bars like everybody else if they want to get laid.

“Whilst we accept no liability whatsoever for the barren sex lives of Xbox gamers, Microsoft will do all it can to aid those in need of assistance with help to get their end away. Building defective consoles that cause the discs to spin out of control and get scratched – thus rendering the console completely useless, will hopefully encourage users to take up another hobby. Hopefully not fishing however, because spending all day in wellington boots isn’t very sexy either,” Mrs. Padd added.


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