The mass sickie at Air Berlin is now so bad that some of its autopilots have called in complaining of various illnesses.
Germany’s second-largest carrier has had to cancel about 100 flights after a large number of pilots called in sick with mystery illnesses such as: “I left my work uniform on the bus syndrome,” “My hamster is sick and needs to go to the vet-itis,” and the rather more serious sounding, “My boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to single last night-osis.”
Air Berlin’s Head of Human Resources Mr. Colin Insick said, “Ever since it was announced in the press that we had filed for insolvency and Ryanair might be interested in making a bid for the company, everybody suddenly became violently ill all of a sudden. Strictly speaking you can’t be moved into another job whilst you’re on sick leave, but even the f*cking autopilots have been trying to claim they’ve been struck down with a severe case of the bubonic plague.”
Some 200 of Air Berlin’s 1,500 pilots suddenly called in sick yesterday meaning domestic and international flights had to be cancelled. Germany’s services sector union Verdi expressed solidarity with the absent pilots and stated that leaving passengers stranded is a small price to pay when compared to selling scratch cards to drunken stag and hen parties on their way to a sex tourism weekend in Eastern Europe.
Reports in the German media have said that the airline is currently in a dispute with its pilots about the transfer of staff to a new owner and the blow-up doll autopilots have expressed particularly grave concerns that the cost of being inflated mid-journey may be deducted from their salary under Ryanair employment contract terms.
“I’m not sure if it’s even possible for a blow-up doll to get the flu, but ever since Michael O’Leary was spotted in our head office foyer the other day, everybody seems to have been taken ill all of a sudden. The only other potential buyer we have is Eurowings, so you can expect a few more to be dropping like flies going forward,” Mr. Insick added.