A survey of 12 government-funded “Portas Pilot” towns found that nearly all of them resemble the alternate Hill Valley from Back to the Future II.
The towns were awarded a share of a £1.2m fund, government support and access to retail guru Mary Portas who has single handedly turned them into no go areas that are rife with unprecedented levels of lawlessness.
The Government Minister in charge of Local Town Planning Mr. Archie Tecture said, “The Portas Pilot towns were created to showcase innovative ways of getting people back into local shops, but unfortunately most of them are now dystopian wastelands as a result of what Mary Portas has done. There are parts of Croydon that are so rough these days that the crack dealers don’t run away from the police anymore – they are the f*cking police! It’s impossible to live in the most desirable part of Bedford unless you get sent to prison and prostitution in Dartford is now generally referred to as ‘settling down with a good woman.’”
Ms Portas, the star of TV show Mary Queen of Shops originally recommended relaxing the licensing rules for town centre market stalls to make it easier for people to set up stands, but it is thought that this has made it much easier for the vendors of stolen goods to sell their products without fear of being apprehended by the police.
The increased provision of free town centre parking was another idea put forward by Ms. Portas, but the net effect of this has been an increase in pollution, whilst violent road rage incidents involving the use of heavy firearms has increased ten-fold along the main high street in Newbiggin-by-the-Sea.
“The only real development we’ve seen in the Portas pilots is that every one of them now has a 25 storey Portas Pleasure Paradise tower in the centre where people can go to gamble and visit the Portas museum which charts the TV star’s rise to the top of local government planning. She wields so much power these days that any local government department planning official can be detained by her private police force and held indefinitely without trial in the basement at House of Fraser,” Mr. Tecture added.