Marks and Spencer is exploring a tie-up with delivery company Ocado in a move that is expected to result in some extremely random substitute product offerings.
Talks between the two firms will start in the next few weeks and instead of the Ocado driver turning up at your door with a raspberry Muller fruit corner substitute when you clearly ordered the strawberry; shoppers could be offered a pair of slippers instead.
Ocado’s Head of Missing Items Mr. Phil Fullment said, “Partnering up with Marks and Spencer will give us real scope in the types of substitute products we can offer our customers whenever we get an order wrong. Whereas beforehand we were restricted by the types of products we could provide in lieu of the customer receiving what they actually ordered, now we have the whole Marks and Spencer inventory at our disposal so the average online grocery delivery will look very different from how it has done in the past.”
Ocado will be conducting soft trials of the M&S tie-up in the autumn and online shoppers can expect to be offered anything in the department store’s Lingerie or Home and Garden range as an alternative if there are no Birds Eye Crispy Chicken Dippers left in stock.
Ocado currently counts Morrisons and Waitrose among its supermarket partners and the addition of Marks and Spencer to the portfolio will make the average online grocery order cock up look like the Ocado man has just burgled a garden centre.
“The word ‘substitute’ no longer needs to infer inferiority. Just think, you may have ordered a 725g pack of 16 frozen Richmond Irish sausages and our delivery driver will turn up with some pure cotton striped pyjamas and a pair of socks. You might not have anything to eat for breakfast but you’ll look like David f*cking Gandy,” Mr. Fullment added.