food bank - The W1nners' Club

Food – No longer available at Marks and Spencer

 

Middle Class shoppers are replacing their weekly shopping trips to Marks and Spencer with a visit to the local food bank as shelves in the store start to resemble those from soviet-era Russia.

 

The retailer’s suppliers have been pulling out in their droves as the battle rages on about whether the word Brexit should be pronounced ‘breck-sitt,’ or, ‘Bregg-zit,’ as the resulting confusion means nobody knows how much to charge for a three bean salad anymore.

M&S’s head of groceries Mr. Ian Flation said, “unfortunately, due to the current cold war between us and our suppliers over pricing, our store shelves now resemble, well – a supermarket during the cold war. We plan to circumnavigate the iron curtain that exists with our western capitalist foes by airlifting supplies in for our customers.”

Marks and Spencer have put plans in place to optimise their supply base and sell products in greater volumes which means that in some of their stores, all you can now buy is out of date Quinoa and Maison Blanc salted caramel truffle tortes.

A customer that usually shops at Marks and Spencer in Highgate, North London said, “how on earth am I supposed to feed my kids if they can’t even get a healthy balanced diet? By balanced diet I mean goats cheese bruschetta with orange vinaigrette in their packed lunch followed by a slice of Duchy Originals’ Lemon, Pistachio and white chocolate cake – it’s a disgrace!”

Another shopper from Alderley Edge in Cheshire said, “we’ve been forced to queue at the food banks. It’s the only bank I’ve ever been to that doesn’t offer me a concierge service with my debit card, but I’d rather this than having a choice of only Gruyere, Caramelised onion and leek quiche, or filo tartlets.”

One M&S supplier said he has been forced to stop supplying the retail chain because the recent currency movements have eliminated all the margin in his products to which Marks and Spencer replied, “What a load of Perestroika! These bourgeois morons with their free market economic model should be wiped from the face of the earth!”

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