London buses that pass through affluent areas of the city will be powered by artisan coffee blends according to a statement released by the Mayor’s office this week.
Waste artisan coffee grounds that have been gathered from London’s priciest independent coffee shops will be used to help power buses whose routes pass through the most expensive postcodes in the capital.
Transport for London’s Head of Bean Roasting Mr. Mark Hiato said, “We’re pleased to be able to trial this innovative new energy solution which can help to power buses, but it’s important that we use the right type of coffee in the right parts of London or all hell could break loose. Can you imagine what would happen if we used Bellarom rich roast instant coffee from Lidl to fuel the number 14 bus to Putney Heath? This particular route passes through Mayfair, Knightsbridge, South Kensington and Fulham – the exhaust fumes would make everybody think they were doing volunteer work at a f*cking soup kitchen! For this scheme to work effectively we’ll need to get the grinding and brewing process spot on so we don’t cause a riot on the King’s Road.”
TfL has recently embarked on a recruitment drive to hire quality baristas from the most renowned artisan coffee shops to ensure that buses are powered by the right type of coffee depending on the route they take.
All buses that usually run on the 268 route through Hampstead and Belsize Park have already had their engines replaced by a cafetière to ensure that all the coffee oils remain in the liquid, thus creating a stronger beverage with a more fulsome flavour and aroma for the buses in question to be fuelled with.
“The degree of roast in the coffee bean determines which bus routes we end up using them on. For example, if you happen to be travelling to a place like Edgware, you’ll more than likely be on a bus fuelled by Mellow Birds Instant but if you’re going to Highgate, your bus’s fuel source will be that really expensive Indonesian Kopi Luwak coffee that you can only buy from Waitrose,” Mr. Hiato added.