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Oasis - The W1nners' Club

Oasis – in need of extra investment if they want to live forever….


Liam Gallagher has expressed shock and confusion upon reading in the press that an Indian businessman is interested in buying Oasis.


The singer read that Ajay Khaitan who is alleged to be on Interpol’s wanted list, is planning a multi-million pound offer through his private equity firm Emerisque Brands and the star has stated categorically that there’s no way the band will consider using the sitar on any future albums as they “already sound enough like The fookin’ Beatles as it is.”

Oasis’ Head of Mergers and Acquisitions Mrs. Meg A. Bid said, “It is indeed true that we have been in discussions with Emerisque brands over a potential purchase of Oasis shares, but I have absolutely no idea why Liam Gallagher feels he should be present in the meetings. We’ve already had to eject him twice from our head office foyer for singing Live Forever at the top of his voice and at one point he started accusing us of being in secret talks with his brother Noel who he claims is behind the whole thing!”

Emerisque is thought to have offered £60m for Oasis, Warehouse and Coast, in talks that were first reported by The Sunday Times and Mr. Gallagher has stated that whilst Oasis had many different support acts when they went on tour back in their 1990s heyday, Warehouse and Coast are two bands whose music he isn’t familiar with.

Recent accounts show that Coast posted a pre-tax profit of £1.3million this year compared to pre-tax losses of £10.8million the previous year and Oasis posted flat profits of £6.3million whilst Warehouse recorded losses of £1.3million – Mr. Gallagher concedes that even though he didn’t write many of the band’s songs, he is still entitled to a considerable share of the above royalties due to his pivotal role as lead singer.

“The negotiations have been going quite well apart from the daily disruptions courtesy of Liam Gallagher at our company headquarters. He started banging on about Oasis not being for sale the other day and that if Mr. Khaitan is wanted so much by Interpol, he should ‘fookin’ join them c*nts instead,’ before adding that Turn on the Bright Lights is their only decent album. It’s all really quite inconvenient,” Mrs. Bid added.


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