Almost everybody that uses the internet has expressed disappointment upon hearing the new WhatsApp ‘delete’ function doesn’t retroactively get rid of your personal online data.
The feature, which is officially called “Delete for Everyone,” has been in development for several months – a period of time over which most people will have made at least one online comment that could be considered either racist, sexist or morally suspect to some degree.
WhatsApp’s Head of Erasing Online Footprints Mrs. Ava Tarr said, “The new feature is particularly useful for WhatsApp users if you’ve ever made derogatory remarks about Muslims or thought it would be a good idea to crack a Harvey Weinstein joke over the last seven minutes, but any longer than that and we can’t help you I’m afraid. Seven minutes is widely considered to be the most amount of time it should take before the penny drops and you realise you’ve been a f*cking idiot by posting something stupid simply because you’re drunk – any longer than that and I’m afraid you’re just a f*cking idiot unfortunately.”
Delete for Everyone works on all types of messages including text, images, videos, GIFs and documents, causing members of the stalking community in particular to hail the new innovation as a great way to help them limit the extent of any online restraining order breaches they may be subject to.
If for any reason the Delete for Everyone feature hasn’t worked, WhatsApp says you’ll be immediately notified and offered the chance to close your account before being redirected to a page that offers various services such as legal advice, help with applying for a new job and training in how to deal with abuse from twitter trolls and being turned into the latest meme.
“A lot of people have said that if you could delete every stupid comment you’ve made online going back a good 10 years then Delete for Everyone might actually be of some use, but in our opinion seven minutes is more than enough. Michael Gove and James Corden for example – both of them realised they’d ruined their careers almost straight away,” Mrs. Tarr added.