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Internet - The Winners' Club

Internet providers – you know you’ve got a great sex life when everything just clicks


Internet providers in the US have said they will not sell customers’ internet browsing information – which is a huge relief for the sort people that like to jerk off at their computer in the small hours.


The U.S. Congress recently approved legislation that will reverse Obama era internet privacy rules meaning a list of every dodgy website you’ve ever visited could in theory be sold to anybody that suspects you might be a bit of a wrong ‘un.

Verizon’s Head of Late Night Porn Viewing Mr. Barry Lee Legal said, “we do not sell our customers’ individual web browsing information to third parties. The only way you might get outed as a sex pest is if you’re already known as a bit of a weirdo and someone purchases our aggregated data then notices a spike in traffic every Friday night at 2am on the sort of website only someone like you would ever visit!”

The White House said that President Donald Trump plans to repeal the rules that required internet service providers to obtain consumer consent before using their web browsing data, which is a bit like Harold Shipman campaigning to get rid of the need for evidence in murder trials.

Verizon states in its privacy statement that it “will not sell your personal information to anyone, for any purpose. Period.” But also added that if anyone knows a Dave Smith from Hartford in Connecticut, you really should avoid letting him look after your pet hamster without supervision the next time you go on holiday.

“In the past we always required permission before telling a new girlfriend or prospective employer that 95% of a person’s browser history includes the term Red Hot Mums, Nifty over 50 or Mature and Horny but your filthy little secret is safe with us. I mean – why sell your browser history to the highest bidder when you’ll pay us double to not say anything to anyone!” Mr. Legal added.


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