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Ikea – New CEO is the embodiment of flatpack self-assembly


Ikea has tried to self-assemble its new Chief Executive rather than bring someone in from outside the company.


Despite being given assurances that the instructions would be easy to follow, the new Chief Executive has thus far proven a less-than-flattering advert for the furniture store’s flatpack self-assembly USP.

IKEA’s Head of Flatpack Assembly Mr. Wedge Dowell said, “It’s a difficult decision whether to look inside the company or to bring someone in from the outside, but for a business with a strong brand identity like Ikea, as we have seen with the recent appointment at John Lewis, it makes sense to continue our identity and culture by proving that self-assembly is actually a good thing rather than something we do to make our customers’ lives infinitely more unbearable than they need to be.”

It is at this stage unclear if the self-assembly team at Ikea have simply read the instructions wrong or incorrect parts were supplied in the original CEO flatpack, but senior management at the store have complained that no less than 26,000 nuts, bolts, screws and washers fell out of the new CEO packaging when it was first opened.

Whilst it is not uncommon for business leaders to be recruited from outside the company, the trend of late has seen many high street retailers promoting staff from within – although in Ikea’s case, the insistence on constructing their own CEO from scratch due to the significantly cheaper cost was hampered by the absence of a correctly sized Hex Key.

Ikea’s CEO flatpack was purchased from a company that specialises in supplying affordable, ready-to-assemble senior company executives even though the internet is awash with hilarious photographs of the various car crash attempts people have made at putting the products together due to the notoriously hard to follow instruction manual they come with.

“Our new Chief Executive looks nothing like the display model we saw in the store when we first bought it. We followed all the instructions to the letter and despite most of the assembly team now not being on speaking terms as a result of arguing over whether its arms have been properly screwed on, we are very honoured and excited to have him on board,” Mr. Dowell added.


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