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Iceland - The W1nners' Club

Iceland declares war – your local frozen food supermarket needs you (to spend some money)


Nordic state Iceland is bracing itself for war as its frozen food namesake is rumoured to be sending an invasion force over to Reykjavik.


The retailer revealed it was planning military action against the tiny state after it refused to give itself an alternative name.

Iceland’s Head of Frozen Vegetables and international aggression Mrs. Sue Permarket said, “This morning our representative in Reykjavik handed the Icelandic Government a final note stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o’clock that they were prepared at once to change their country’s name, a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this company is at war with Iceland.”

It is claimed the nation state responded with a set of, “unacceptable and unrealistic demands,” one of which was to replay the recent football match against the England team instead of commencing hostilities, but the fact that Iceland Foods sponsors Iceland’s national team merely complicates the matter further.

“We registered Iceland as our company name in 1970 and have coexisted with the country called Iceland very happily ever since, however since Bjork started having a few hits and THAT football match at Euro 2016, the Icelandic government appears to be adopting a policy of splendid isolation,” Mrs. Permarket added.

A highly trained expeditionary force from Iceland Foods’ East Grinstead branch is rumoured to have been operating behind enemy lines since last week preparing the ground for a full scale invasion of staff from other branches. It has also been alleged in the Icelandic media that special forces have poisoned the water supply in some areas with a 24 can multipack of out of date Pepsi and a 50% extra free 3L bottle of Vimto.

A spokesperson from the Icelandic government said, “What on earth are we supposed to do? Such aggression is unwarranted and completely unjustified. You only have to listen to Stacey Solomon’s latest record and compare it with Sigur Ros to see who deserves to keep the name. I mean – Kerry Katona for fuck’s sake.”

Enthusiastic volunteers from Iceland Foods expect the war to be over by Christmas, which is just as well as no one is allowed to take any annual leave in the first week of January.



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